She's Still with You, Buddy

"Does Nana know who I am?"

Your question landed on my heart like a powerful punch. Overtaken by sadness, I turned away for a brief second to gather myself.    

As I took in a deep breath, I looked in your brown eyes and replied, “Nana has lost a lot because of this disease, and a big part of that is her ability to recognize people, even family members, even you and I."

In a matter of seconds, the sweet innocence of your face was replaced by heartbreak, and somehow it felt as if you had matured beyond your years in that singular moment.

Oh, sweet son. How could someone so young grasp something so painful and confusing?

I could see the realization of this harsh truth settling in, and as it did, you began to cry. Your shoulders trembled, and in that instant, my heart broke all over again with yours. I wrapped you in a hug and together we wept, united in our shared sorrow, our collective grief.  I wasn't sure what to say or how to proceed, but my heart urged me to break the silence between us, so I did.

I told you your Nana loved you more than anything in the world.

I told you she you were the first thing she asked about when she called – her voice always filled with adoration and excitement as she wanted to know how her ‘buddy’ was doing.

I told you how much joy she felt whenever she got to spend time with you.

I told you she’d be so proud of the good and kind human being you're becoming.

I told you that while Alzheimer’s has taken so much of Nana, we get to carry her in our hearts, and for this reason, she’ll never leave us. The memories we have of her, the experiences we shared with her, will always be with us.

I told you whenever you think of her, that is her way of letting you know she is always with you.

Your tears slowed and I saw a glimmer of understanding appear in your eyes. What a harsh reality—losing your Nana at a young age to such an awful disease. Yet, amidst the pain, I’m taken aback by your empathy, strength, and understanding—beautiful qualities she passed down to me and now to you, her precious Bennett.

Dear son, please know Nana’s legacy continues in the memories and stories we share.  So, say her name often, tell others how much she meant to you.  Remember her warm hugs, radiant smile, infectious laughter.  Remember how she made you feel special and loved.  

These beautiful memories of Nana will never leave us, for they live on in our hearts. Within these memories, we find strength and inspiration to carry on her legacy, as her love and her spirit light our way.